[cars passing by]
[woman narrating] What if good things don't come to those who wait?
I mean, do you just keep waiting or what?
God, everyone else is going home.
Why do I have to go to work?
How is it possible to feel both isolated
and claustrophobic at the same time?
Maybe that's my problem. I think too much.
Christ, all these people.
They're probably all thinking, too.
But what are they thinking?
Maybe my hopes are too high.
What I need is not to need
and to live in the moment.
That's it. I should live in the moment.
What on earth does that mean?
As if I could avoid living in the moment.
I mean, I'm in it whether I like it or not.
Breathe. [exhales]
Breathe.
Okay, I'm fine. I'm fine.
Oh, God, I'm late.
Every day, another day closer
to the day I'll never have to do this again.
- Hi, Alice. - Hey, Suzie.
- [door closes] - [gasps]
Madonna, I'm sorry I'm late.
It's fine.
Suzie, could you make me a coffee?
Sure. Cappuccino?
Yeah, thanks. Yeah.
[beeps, whirrs]
[woman] Hang on.
- [baby yells] - [woman] There, there.
- Good girl. - [coos]
- Sit nicely. - Hi.
- [phone rings] - [Madonna] Hello. Stella Bar.
Uh, I'm sure we can fit you in.
One moment. I'm just going to my book.
Right. Can I take your name?
Yes. Great.
Thanks.
- Thank you. - See you tonight. Thanks.
- Bye-bye. - Thanks. Bye-bye.
- See you again soon. - [baby cries]
Hey, Alice.
- [camera shutter clicks] - Smile.
I met a guy last night who said he could smoke with his eyes.
- How? - I don't know.
- Didn't you ask him? - No.
[laughs]
How could you not ask? [laughing]
I don't know.
Uh, guys, I hate to nag, but it's getting late.
Did you know it's a fact that 70% of women
live their lives embroiled in a miasma of disgust?
- A fact? - Seventy percent.
Where did you get this... fact?
The news.
And it wasn't a headline?
Nope.
What's a miasma?
It's sort of like, you know, a cancer or a dry rot.
Women spend most of their time in a dry rot of disgust?
[Alice laughing]
Oh.
How's your book going?
I finished it a week ago.
Alice, that's great.
- Congratulations. - Well done.
What's it about again?
About a woman who runs away.
Where does she go?
To the sea.
What then?
She sits on a pier and looks at the sky
for about 150 pages.
- [sighs] - I'd like to read that.
- Thanks. - I mean, I'd like to read it if it was interesting.
[phone rings, beeps]
Hello. Stella Bar.
Your name?
Could you please stop doing that?
Dave, you should be here cooking. What?
- He hung up. - Who?
Dave... barking.
- Barking mad? - No, like a dog...
- Oh. - drunk.
Right.
So, can Paolo cook tonight?
- Paolo resigned at lunch. - What? Why?
- He burnt his arm. - Is he okay?
He works in a kitchen,
and I'm sympathetic to a point.
[sighs]
There's only 25 booked.
- What? - Bonus?
For what?
But I've never done it before.
Dave told me once he thought you had real potential as a chef.
You're recommending the opinions of a man who just barked at you?
He said that before he barked.
I'm a kitchen hand.
Alice, we are a family here.
Families pull together.
[whimpers]
[Alice narrating] Families don't pay by the hour.
[Madonna thinking] Please, please, please?
Sixty quid and no more bookings.
Ugh.
- Rita can help you. - Rita burns water.
[Madonna] Maybe you should get started now.
- Can I just finish my coffee? - Of course, yes. I'm sorry.
[phone rings, beeps]
Hello. Stella Bar.
Greg. Hi.
There's been a change of plan.
[clears throat] Yeah. Um...
"Dear Alice..."
Dave can't come in. He's had some kind of terrible accident.
But Alice is cool to do it. Yes, she is.
Oh, she'll be fine.
She'll be fine. Okay. Bye.
[beeps]
[sighs] Where is Abi?
Hey, ladies.
Abi, I hate to mention this, but you are 15 minutes late.
I am not.
- Yes, you are. - Sorry. My yoga teacher died.
[camera beeps]
Rita!
You sure you're gonna be okay doing this by yourself?
- Can you smell something? - [sniffs] Like what?
You can't smell flesh?
[chuckles] No.
[sniffles]
Did your yoga teacher really die?
Right in the middle of a downward dog.
How's the acting going?
I didn't get that job I was going for.
- Which one? - Kitchen sink drama.
Depressing, really, considering what an expert I am.
Well...
anything else lined up?
Did you get up to anything last night, Al?
Don't call me Al. No.
I'm too broke. You?
Broke up with the boy.
How old are you, Al?
Thirty-three or -four or something.
Hundred. [chuckles]
I'm sorry about-- What was his name?
- Phil. - Phil.
Yeah. [chuckles]
I'm 30 today.
Oh, my God. Happy "get older" day.
Hey, don't tell anyone, all right?
What, about Phil?
God, no. About my birthday.
Why'd you tell me, then?
I needed to tell someone older.
Tell Rita, then. She's 48.
Hey, is this okay?
[sniffs]
Mm, I don't know, borderline.
Marinade?
Yeah.
- You know Keats? - The poet?
- Yeah. - What about him?
Dead at 26.
[Madonna] Rita, Alice would love a hand when you're ready.
I had such a vivid dream last night.
[groans] I can't bear dreams.
It concerned light.
I'm not listening.
- The light had a face. - I'm warning you.
It was singing. It had a nose.
Okay, stop.
[laughter]
[quiet chatter]
Can you ask them to leave?
- No. - [groans] Come on.
You get them out.
I mean, come on. It's policy.
Policy? This isn't NATO, for Christ's sakes.
You need to learn to be more assertive.
- Really? - Yeah, and less sarcastic.
You are the sarcastic one.
Oh, really?
[sighs]
[groans]
[clears throat] Excuse me.
She demanded it in the zoo?
- [both laughing] - Guys, I'm sorry.
I have to ask you to leave. We have to prepare the place for dinner.
So tell me, do you find your job abhorrent?
Just curious.
No, I find it challenging.
Really? What do you do?
I waitress.
[man] Do you want to be a waitress?
- [laughter] - I am what I do.
No, no, no, no. You do what you are.
[both laughing]
[laughter continues]
Okay, we're leaving.
Thank you.
- Suze, how old are you? - Twenty-four.
Oh, God, you have so much time.
How old are you?
Twenty-eight.
That's only four years older.
First World War lasted four years. A lot happened.
[spits]
Did I tell you that Harry said in London
no one is more than 20 feet away from a rat at any time?
Remind me how Dave does the chicken.
Yeah.
Well, let's... So...
"Marinade the chicken in lemon juice,
balsamic vinegar and olive oil
so it's really juicy, even if the chicken's old.
Char-grill."
All under control, Alice?
Mm-hmm, like a well-oiled machine.
Rita, you're happy to do salads?
- I'm not going-- - Fantastic.
Do you know it is so great
to have all women in control in here tonight?
Right on, sister.
[man on sound system] # Love is #
- # The sweetest thing # - [humming]
# What else on earth could ever bring... #
What are we listening to?
# A happy air to everything... #
[kisses, sighs]
Al Bowlly. He died in the war.
Café de Paris, the Ritz in the Blitz.
Don't tell me he wrote hits.
He did. He's got a better range than Sinatra.
- Sinatra didn't have a range. - Exactly.
Suzie, you are twenty-fucking-four.
You're meant to be listening to Justin fucking Timberlake.
- [music stops] - Will you please stop swearing?
No one ever tell you what language is for?
It's for fucking expressing yourself.
That mirror is absolutely filthy.
It would be great if you guys could use your initiative a little more.
Toilets and fridges?
[sighs]
- [sizzling] - [classical music playing]
Will you kill the goddamn funeral music?
- Cheers me up. - I can't bear it a second longer.
Oh, change it, then.
[sizzling]
- [classical music stops] - [salsa music playing]
[squeaking]
Rita, can you start the salads, please?
[sniffs] I can smell rat shit with my mouth.
God, whatever happened to unions?
I don't know if I can do this.
- Put it in perspective. - Hmm? What perspective?
It's only cooking for people you don't care about.
I mean, it's a shit kitchen...
[Alice thinking] Shouldn't have just stopped when she's on the pier.
It needs a stronger transition.
I need to rewrite it. I need--
Why are you doing this?
- What do you mean? - You don't have to do this.
- I have bills to pay. - You are an intellectual.
- Yeah, right. - You are smarter than you give yourself credit for.
You're just saying that.
Well...
how else am I meant to communicate?
Suzie, you're on tables one to seven. I can do the rest.
Abi, you're doing the bar, and you can help us out when we're busy.
[Abi thinking] Oh, my God, I'm going to die.
And please, g--
guys, we really need to work as a team tonight,
so no annoying the intercom or sneaky wine tasting.
[Abi thinking] I'm going to be 70 in 40 years.
- [salsa music playing] - [rats squeaking]
[rat feet pattering]
[squeaking continues]
- [phone rings] - Hello.
I'm sorry. We're pretty full tonight.
Four?
Um, well, maybe...
Sorry. Could you just hold the line a moment?
Excellent.
[yells]
Rat.
- Under the table. - [squeaking]
- Oh, my God, it's huge. - Beat the fucker to death.
Suzie.
Hey, Donna, how old are you?
- Why? - Just curious.
I'm 28. Why? How old are you?
Twenty-six.
Ha.
So were you actually born Madonna?
Was I born?
You told me you were 28.
Well, no, I figured you were born.
But were you christened Madonna or did you borrow it off someone else?
Oh, shit, it's gone.
The question is, where did it go?
I met someone who knew you at school.
- [phone beeps] - Uh, hello.
Sorry about the delay. How can I help you?
Yes.
- Rats are significant. - [yelps]
The fact that the worker here today was burned is significant.
Okay, I know.
You think you know, but you don't.
We constantly function from the position of received ideas.
Can I take a name?
You promised Alice no more bookings.
Danny? What, three? Could you spell that?
H-U-S-T-O-N?
Lovely. 9:00.
Can I take a contact number?
0-2-0-7-3-4-2-0-8-6.
Lovely. Thank you. Bye-bye.
[beeps]
Who?
Uh, Danny Huston.
As in the actor Danny Huston?
I didn't ask what he does, Abi.
Well, did you speak to him?
- No. It was his P.A. - How do you know it was his P.A.?
Uh, she said...
"I am Danny Huston's P.A."
[laughs]
I love Danny Huston.
[Suzie] What's he been in?
Oh, God, everything, but, um...
that film where he plays a producer or something,
um... in Hollywood and he dies at the end.
You know, that Danny Huston.
Abi, there's a Steve McQueen who works in my post office.
This Danny Huston might not be that Danny Huston.
How many post office workers have P.A.s?
You really like him.
Suze, God, he is like a proper old-fashioned movie star.
Now I know who you mean.
He has the eyes of a beautiful wild animal.
I wouldn't put it exactly that way, but...
Oh, yes.
Sorry. Yes, I know who you mean.
Um, he was in that, um...
that film called...
uh...
Suzie, have you got your camera on you?
- Of course. - Great.
Could you kind of surreptitiously, um...
- What? - Take a shot of... of...
[laughing] You want me to take his photo?
No, you can't do that. That is so what my mother would do.
- You can't do that. - Only takes one star to cause a stampede of them.
A stampede of stars?
Would you agree that, as a culture, we are overcome
not by the sense of possibility
but the banality of the social orders
we have erected for ourselves?
Salads. Customers arriving in 10.
- I need to do his table. - You're doing the bar.
I help out on the floor when necessary. This is necessary.
What, you think he's going to insist
you are given a role in his next film?
Stranger things have happened.
- I don't know if that's true. - Suzie, I am begging you.
This is me begging you.
Movie stars hate to be bugged by desperate waitresses.
Okay, I might be desperate, but I am not above humiliation.
Toilets, Abi. Suze, water, please.
Suzie, please, please, please?
Please, please, please?
Please, please, please, please.
Okay, you can do his table, but only if I get to play
at least four Al Bowlly songs without complaint.
I love you, Suzie. I love you, I love you, I love you.
God, imagine his handsome face here.
Abi, you're behaving like a teenager.
If only I was one. At least I'd have a future.
You're not even 30.
What's it like being you?
Fucking sad.
Abi, please don't drink on shift.
First customers due.
[Abi thinking] In reality, he might be a midget.
He could be the actor equivalent
of the fake moon landing theory.
He might love me.
[Al Bowlly] # Thanks for all the lovely delights #
# I've found in your embrace #
Greg's coming in tomorrow to talk.
What about?
I think maybe we need to rationalize our business strategy
to become more cost effective.
What does that mean?
Uh, that we need more customers.
How's Simona?
Oh, yeah, you know, she's, uh...
she's really great.
What?
She keeps saying how maybe we should be friends.
Aren't you friends already?
Lovers say they want to be friends when they want to leave you.
Oh.
I'm sure it's just a hiccup.
Have you tried drinking her upside down?
What?
Um...
I'm sure everything will be fine.
Oh, no. Yeah, absolutely it'll be fine.
You know, there was this couple in last night
who seemed really in love,
so I gave them really great service.
Then the phone rang. It was his wife.
She was in hospital,
in labor with their first child.
So he was with his mistress.
Yes.
So I told them we were closing.
What time was it?
- Around 11:00. - But that's when we close.
But they didn't know that, did they, Suzie?
No.
This... was made by a street cleaner
who spent his life photographing snowflakes.
Well, that's very good.
Isn't it? [sighs]
[chuckles]
Are you enjoying art school?
- Oh, my God, yes. - What is it you're working on?
Well...
mainly portraits of the hands of people I have loved
and a video of people trying to remember
the lyrics of their favorite songs.
But for my final year show I'm thinking of
filling the gallery with tiny photographs
of precious objects you have to really peer at to see properly.
Simona said my slippers repulsed her.
That's not good.
I'm really glad that she felt she could tell me.
- [door opens] - May I help you?
First orders of the night: no starters, two chicken, one salmon.
Can you believe who's coming to dinner?
Virginia Woolf?
No. Table for four at 9:00
in the name of Danny Huston.
- As in the actor? - As in the actor.
He's a very versatile actor.
[Abi] I didn't know you were a movie buff, Rita.
Oh, I like well-crafted,
morally complex movies
with strong narratives
and powerful acting.
Who wouldn't? Stop it.
Madonna promised me no more bookings.
- This is an exception. - Why?
- He is an amazing actor. - Wow.
What do you got against actors?
- They're like tribute bands. - Excuse me?
They speak someone else's words, interpret someone else's ideas,
and try to look like someone else.
- The joy. - They're faded copies of a vibrant original.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
What is the justice in George Clooney getting millions
for playing, say, a doctor when real doctors get a fraction of that?
Or a cook. How much did Julia Roberts get for Mystic Pizza?
More than I get, I bet.
Julia Roberts was the waitress, not the cook.
Yeah, okay, whatever.
Two chicken, one salmon.
Most of the world doesn't even have clean water.
That doesn't mean we shouldn't drink it.
Has there ever been a film that truly showed the life of a woman?
That would be a really boring film.
Take the bread.
You know, you guys really need to lighten up.
[banging, squealing]
Bloody fans.
Order, table 10.
Two soups, one linguini,
one jamon.
Table eight ready?
Oh, it is hot in here.
Madonna, you promised no more bookings.
Sorry, Alice. It's only four.
Can't turn down celebrities.
- I am not a cook. - Alice, you gotta remember
it's very good for the restaurant to have well-known people eat here.
[coughs] I cannot stand celebrity culture.
It's only one celebrity, not the whole culture.
Man, a real movie star here tonight.
I still can't quite believe it.
- Oh, for God's sake. - So, Mrs. Manager,
what you doing about the worker being burned today?
- Rita, are those salads ready yet? - I feel really bad about it.
You've got to remember that everybody gets burned in a kitchen.
- Aah! - [Rita] The heat probably drove him crazy.
Alice, it's Danny Huston. I mean, what is not to love?
We're in this together.
I'm sorry, but I don't really believe
you are that affected by the workers under your care.
I don't know him.
People don't love movie stars because they "know them" know them.
Okay, whatever.
That's patently unfair. I started the recycling scheme.
[laughs] That's about rubbish.
No, that's about Mother Earth.
Yours is a drab, drab world.
How's table eight?
...perpetuating an exploitative system?
Rita, you've got to get past the blame here
and embrace the positivity of what you're doing.
We're not exactly down a diamond mine in Sierra Leone here.
Okay, table eight.
If it's such a nice job, why is it so hard
to get the fans fixed in such a nice job?
- The fans are being seen to. - The fans are symbolic.
- Of what? - Of the possibility of air and movement and pleasure,
of the possibility of being able to breathe freely.
Hey, ladies.
Suzie.
Abi, can you take these to eight, please?
Will you take these soups to 10, please, my love?
I need to have a little chat with Rita.
[Madonna] You know, I think it's great we're talking
and that you feel you can express your feelings to me about--
And the rats? What about the rats?
You know that every cafe in Soho has rats.
So give me one reason why I should care
about the fate of this gilded cage.
Would a hug help right now?
No.
Madonna, you forgot the salad.
[clears throat] No, I'm okay, really. I'm just...
I really appreciate this chat.
Thanks, Rita.
Blimey.
What's with the hugging?
What can I get you to drink?
[patrons chattering]
[sighs]
How's your boyfriend?
I have no boyfriend.
[banging]
[squeaking]
What about that guy with the haircut?
- Gone. - Oh.
[squeaking]
[Abi thinking] Seventy-three minutes to go.
Good evening. How are we tonight?
[man] Yeah, great, thanks.
[screaming]
What can I get you to drink?
A bottle of champagne, please.
- A very good choice. - [screaming continues]
[pop song playing over sound system]
[sniffles]
# Dancing at discos, eating cheese on toast #
# Yeah, you make me merry, make me very, very happy #
# But you obviously #
- [sobs] - # You didn't wanna stick around #
# So I learnt from you #
[salsa music playing over sound system]
Table four: no starters, one chicken, two salmon, one lamb.
Hey, Rita, parking meter.
Hold that pot up like you're in a dream ranch.
Dream ranch?
Great.
Alice, do you think oysters ever feel aggressive?
Hard to say. They flinch.
Oh, not flinch.
- They're not people. - It would be hell to be an angry oyster.
- Busy in there? - No fists to shake...
- Suzie. - because you have no fists.
Can you take these starters to 12?
Okay. But you'll like this.
I went to a Chinese restaurant the other night, and on the menu--
- Stop now. - Okay, okay, I'll be quick.
On the menu they had fish lip
with couch and a small pan of greed.
[Rita laughing]
Imagine the size of a fish lip
on a couch.
- [door closes] - [laughing continues]
[Abi muttering]
Right.
Fuck it.
Hey, are you okay?
[sighs] Phil keeps texting me
that breaking up with me is the best thing he has ever done,
like, repeatedly,
like he is ecstatic.
He says that I am self-obsessed.
But self-obsession is just my way of trying to work things out.
- Why can't anyone see that? - I can see that.
I really can.
- You can? - Mm-hmm.
Two glasses of house red and a sparkling.
[Rita] You lost weight, haven't you?
- Jesus. - It's good to drop some pounds.
You were enormous.
So what happened to the guy you were seeing?
I only saw him once.
Did you get down and dirty?
High-waisted jeans.
- So? - They were ironed.
- Ah. - It is such a relief...
I have finally reached the end of my life as a sexual being.
- Enormous? - Yeah.
I didn't want to say it.
Yeah, I've been thinking of writing a story
about how love affairs and murder
both begin with the discovery of a body.
You actually ever had a boyfriend?
- Rita. - Name one.
- Stefan. - So you're not a virgin?
One bottle of sparkling for eight
and two San Miguel for 10.
Hey, what do you think makes Danny Huston
so utterly appealing?
What? I don't know.
Come on.
He's talented, he's a time traveler,
and he has empathy.
Thank you.
You know, millions of lepers have empathy,
but you don't necessarily want to sleep with them.
I don't want to sleep with him.
- You don't? - No.
Here you are.
Thanks.
What do you mean, "time traveler"?
What you love about him is both--
real and a phantom image.
Two espressos for 11, please.
What do you mean, "phantom image"?
All movies are like ghost stories.
I don't follow.
Every movie is an image of the past
played out in the present,
and, therefore, all movie actors are,
in a sense, phantoms.
[sizzling]
Tennis players eat bananas.
- What? - Tennis players eat bananas.
Sports people used to think
you had to have little section of oranges,
and then someone thought of bananas.
It's the potassium, so no more cramps.
Rita, please.
All I'm saying here is maybe, just maybe,
there are some aspects in our life
in which we are still eating oranges
when we could at least be thinking about
the possibility of bananas.
What are you talking about? [shrieks]
You've never been married.
Who mentioned marriage?
[shudders]
- We've got work to do here. - Pot calling kettle.
What do you know about me?
What do you know about anything? You don't know me--
my feelings, my pain, nothing!
Rita, calm down.
It's...
It's true I don't really know a lot about you,
but, I mean, we're not on a date here.
What do you want me to say? I really am sorry if you're going through stuff,
but I'm kind of preoccupied here!
[whispering] We can still talk, can't we?
Okay.
[Suzie] Two linguine for table four.
[Madonna] Salmon starter, two linguine...
[hacks, spits]
- [mutters] - Sorry.
- [argues] - I've had it.
So naive. How the days just fly...
- How is table seven doing? - How's table four?
[chattering]
- Abi. - Watch it.
Table four.
- All done? - Yeah. Thanks.
[man] I haven't seen you for months.
- Can I have the bill, please? - Of course.
I think he has a very manly figure.
I don't know. I like men a little fatter.
- You have met someone. - Okay, yes.
Dreamy, arty, weirdo type?
- Maybe. - Where did you meet him?
Whitstable, at Adam's house.
We talked all night without touching.
- Oh, how touching. - Don't be mean.
How old is he?
Nineteen.
You're in love with a chubby embryo?
I thought you were keeping an open mind about men.
My options do not include children or the obese.
His weight is irrelevant.
How many pounds? 250? 280? How many?
- Abi. - How fat?
Kind of...
Kind of... like...
Santa?
Jesus.
- Is that so weird? - Yes.
Order, table four.
I think you guys are doing an amazing job in here.
Tarts, table nine.
Keep up the good work.
She ever try to hug you?
Mm-hmm. A couple of times.
I find hugging
as a management strategy sinister.
[chuckles]
Hey, Suze, can I run something by you?
Wait. I'll just deliver these, yeah?
[sighs]
I got offered a job yesterday.
- No. - Yes.
A friend of my mother's who works
in this crappy publishing house offered it to me.
It's ghost-compiling a newsreader's favorite poems.
Okay.
- You know Tony O'Donnell? - Yeah, sure.
A book is coming out of his favorite poems, but he doesn't want to choose them.
That is hilarious.
[whispering] I have been offered a...
a role in a porn film.
- Oh, my God. - [groans]
I have studied Ibsen and Chekhov.
I'd love to see one of the three sisters deal with this one.
- [man] Waitress. - It's you.
You finish your book and get a job in publishing.
That's so great. So when are you going to start?
- I'm not. - What?
I cannot, in all conscience, accept such a job.
But it could get you out of here.
At least in here it's honest.
Bullshit. Don't romanticize it.
At least I'm not lying.
You know, sometimes you have
the smugness of a hippie fascist.
One glass of merlot and one still. Go on.
It's a new line in art porn.
You know, like porn in black and white.
- Mm. - You know, like, um...
examining the texture of your knee
as his gnarled hand moves across it.
They're offering me a thousand quid.
[sighs] I'm so fucking broke. I have no electricity.
I have a Visa bill at 17.9% interest.
Whose gnarled hand?
My elderly fictitious uncle's.
Wow.
At least the director is gay.
- Man or woman? - A man.
- Why is that at least? - Somehow it seems less creepy.
Mm-hmm. Wait a sec.
Okay.
[creaks]
[bangs]
[rattles, slams]
[woman] Waitress.
17.9% is really high.
You should get a low-interest loan and pay it off.
- Suzie. - I'm with you.
- This is serious. - I realize this.
What's the story?
An innocent but literary blind girl
is sent to stay with her crippled,
gnarled-handed uncle in the country.
Things transpire.
[sighs] The gateway to my guts on the big screen.
What do you think? Should I do it?
- The gateway to your guts? - Don't be naive.
Okay, okay.
So you'll be playing
an innocent but literary blind girl.
That will be acting.
Exactly. The fact that sex is involved should be irrelevant.
How about the fact that you'll be causing erections
of the penises of men you haven't met?
Never think of your audience-- number one rule.
Way too paralyzing.
Besides, I bet there's some sickos out there
who carry wood 'cause a bee's landed on a fucking rose petal.
You should aim higher than this.
I am aiming at the fucking moon,
but like I said, I got no electricity
and 17.9% fucking interest.
Weird they call it interest.
It's so not interesting.
Suzie.
- God, but... - [sighs]
can you imagine your...
you know, um...
stretched across the screen the size of a bus?
Don't say bus.
Strange, but the energy feels really, um...
distracted in here tonight.
I'm sorry. Did you say something, Madonna?
[snickers]
Please, guys, we really need to develop a more positive...
Good night. Thank you.
energetic vibe.
Bottle of cab sav for 10, please, Abi.
You know, you lost your mojo.
Okay, it's interesting you know me so well, Rita.
When did this legendary time exist that I actually had a mojo to lose?
Come on, Alice. You're an intellectual. You can work that one out.
I am not an intellectual. I am just tired!
- Intellectuals can be tired. - Actually, you're right!
That's true. They can!
[man on radio] From the very beginning.
[Latin dance music plays]
# Mmm #
Suzie, can I ask you something?
Of course.
Do I, um...
look okay in the mornings?
Most people look better at night.
I wonder...
if you've kissed her for the last time.
No, I mean... I'm sure you will again.
I just always think
it's so strange that we will do things
for the last time in our life one day,
and most of the time we won't realize it's the last time.
I don't believe in such negative thinking.
It's not negative. It's just real.
Reality's what you choose to make of it, Suzie.
Table four need help.
[chuckles] What would you say
if I said I don't believe table four exists right now?
Uh, I would acknowledge your right to that belief.
But if you were to believe it for more than about...
two minutes, then we'd have to discuss your future shift allocations.
Fair answer.
[laughs] Table four it is, then.
[exhales]
[water running]
[woman vocalizing]
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
[laughs]
[sighs]
Did I ever tell you about Salvadore?
No.
He was a communist, too.
Was he?
If it weren't for the tragedy of his violence...
The tragedy of his violence?
I thought the thieving was petty.
I mean, he was the kind of guy
who cried over leaves falling off trees.
And can I go with him?
He wanted me to go with him. Yes.
And can I lend him some money? So I say, "Sure. Why not?"
'Cause I had a little money saved.
And then I discovered about the guns.
Rita, can we just finish what we have to do here, please?
Okay.
So tell me what you want me to do.
Have we decided yet?
He should be here any minute.
Stay calm. Stay calm.
[woman] Do you mind going through the menu?
My eyesight's really bad.
Sure. Um, French onion soup for starters
with crustini linguine with Sicilian tomatoes and basil
finished with an aged Castellini parmesan.
Rocket salad with crushed broad beans from the vale of Evesham
served with baked goats cheese...
He'll look at me and just think, "No."
Or he wouldn't even say no.
He just won't notice me.
Shropshire lamb shanks marinated in Puglian red wine...
Dismiss my whole life without letting me
give him any real reason to reject me.
If only he would give me that chance.
...with a Roman telleglio risotto.
Sides are green salad, beans, or spinach.
Is the salmon very filling?
Well, that depends on how much you like to eat.
I'm sorry?
How could I possibly know what you need or like?
Or if you have, say, eating disorders
or dairy or wheat intolerances
or if you are a glutton or a picker.
I am not psychic.
Oh, God, I am so sorry.
I think we'd better go somewhere else.
I'm real sorry. I'm just a little strung out tonight.
- I'm sorry, too. - [Madonna] Thank you.
I really like your shirt.
It's my birthday.
Is that really necessary?
Yes.
Why?
Because I want to leave this place clean.
Obviously.
I mean, leave it, leave it.
As in I am leaving it.
What do you mean?
Have you noticed I'm a dishwasher?
Uh, yeah.
And you don't think I should aim a little higher?
- Of course I do. - [clattering]
I've been half asleep.
- Can we discuss this later? - Yeah. Sure.
Defer any real discussion again.
[Madonna] Order.
[Rita] Great.
[Madonna] Salmons.
[sighs]
God, Greg bizarrely just phoned me
asking about takings.
As if I can predict takings
on a night that's still young.
The world is a complex beast, isn't it?
That's because it's full of humans.
Madonna, I may as well tell you now. I quit.
What?
I'm giving you a month's notice.
Why?
Because I think workers deserve more respect
than is given here.
How have I not shown you respect?
That you don't know the answer of this question is significant.
Rita, like I said before, I think it's really great
that you are expressing your confusion about your role here.
Aah!
How can I be confused about dishwashing?
There is no confusion here.
I'm really sorry, but I really need you to understand
that I'm really very busy right now,
and I would be very happy to discuss this with you later,
but right now I really need to get these meals out.
Okay. Eleven.
You're really quitting?
Yeah. I'm going to Chile.
He rang me.
Chile? Huh?
Oh, Jesus, Alice, haven't you been listening?
Not the "tragedy of violence" guy.
Yeah. Salvadore.
[clanking]
Madonna, the lights have gone.
Repulsive.
[sniffles]
He was arrested.
What? When?
When we were practically kids.
I went to prison for a little while, too,
as an accessory.
When I was released,
I wasn't allowed to contact him.
I thought I'd never see him again.
Ay!
- But then he rang me. - Shit!
Pick up. Pick up.
And, Madonna, can you get in here?
The electricity's gone again.
[Suzie] Abi, I need some help on the floor.
Join the club.
Abi, can I have two house white-- What are you doing?
I think there's some fruit stuck in the plug.
Can you do it later, please?
Really lodged in there.
It's really solid fruit.
Oh, my god.
Did anyone see that?
[Abi retching]
No one is gagging. At least no customers are gagging.
[Abi] Oh, my god. Is this what my life has come to?
Oh, my god. Dead rodents are really bad for business.
[Abi retching]
Can't work like this.
Alice.
So how did he get your number?
I don't know.
Google?
Your phone number's in Google?
What if he doesn't live up to your memory of him?
He would have still served his purpose.
Which is?
A reminder of possibility.
Everything all right here?
Yeah. Lovely.
Great.
[both gasp]
Omni ma shivayar.
[exhales]
Suze, could you please wrap up the vessel?
Wash your hands afterwards, please.
Abi, could you disinfect yours?
- The vessel? - Yes, Suzie.
That's all that poor rodent is now-- an empty vessel.
There's nothing to be frightened of.
You know the feeling when you're walking up the aisle of a plane
and you have to pee and it's kind of embarrassing
because everybody knows you're about to pull your pants down?
Well, that reminds me of waitressing.
Everyone fucking knowing that you're the one
whose career is either fucked up or hasn't happened yet,
the one who is metaphorically pulling your pants down eight times a week.
You've got to stop this.
God, he is so late.
[Madonna] Hello there. Can I take your name, please?
[man #1] Huston.
[Madonna] Huston.
Excellent. Come in.
Sir, if you'd like to come round.
[man #2] Thank you.
- [Madonna] Just three? - [man #2] Yes.
[man #1] We are three. Yes.
Three of them? Only three old people?
And no Danny.
Career. That's what happens
when you lose control of a car on a wet road
and it slams into a brick wall.
Crash.
[Rita] It's not going to be easy going back
after all these years.
I don't know.
Sounds like you've made up your mind, though.
It's not that simple.
Okay, just do what you have to do, Rita.
Okay, Mrs. Clarity,
when was the last time you knew what you really wanted?
I know exactly what I want.
What?
I want to want the last six years of my life
not to be a waste of time.
I wanna publish a book. I wanna live a rewarding life.
And when was the last time you wanted to make love?
- Rita. - When?
[Alice] Christ, what I want is a clean pan.
Mineral water, please.
- Fissy. - I'm sorry?
Fissy.
Fissy water.
Fissy. Oh. Fizzy.
Sure.
Is anyone else coming?
May I see the wine list, my dear?
Sure. I'll get you one.
Anyone hungry? Something to nibble?
I think we just wait for Danny.
[Chorus] # Hallelujah #
# Halle-lujah #
Sure.
I wonder if they're his grandparents.
Oh, God, I hate it when Madonna does
that "kneel down to take their order" bullshit.
She looks so phony, like everyone's on the same level.
I think they're eastern European.
That doesn't surprise me.
Why?
Well, Danny Huston looks kind of...
well, like he's from Vienna or Bucharest
in about 1921.
That's incredibly specific.
I've never believed time was linear.
Huh. So when am I from?
Well...
Hmm.
1953.
What was I doing in 1953?
- Waitressing. - Huh?
In Minnesota.
That's a terrible date. Give me another one.
You can't argue with my dates.
Please, guys, don't congregate.
There's work to be done.
Abi, bottle of Pinot, table two, please.
[Abi] Can I have some what?
[Madonna] Two cabernet sauvignons, Abi.
- [Alice] Rita, the tarts. - [Abi] Bream for number seven.
- [Madonna] Ten, Alice! - [Suzie] Two tarts for table five.
[Madonna] Abi, come on.
[man] Just not eating that salad.
[Suzie] I'm sorry. There's grit on the salad.
Ah!
Abi!
I'll take your glass.
Chop, chop.
Turn it down!
Ah! Aah!
Right. I need two steaks, medium rare, table two.
Ally, please, not burnt.
Ah!
[Madonna] Are you okay?
Never better.
You hear the news, Madonna?
There is an eagle loose.
There was a warning for everybody with small dogs
to keep them inside.
You read it?
No, I didn't. And to be honest, Rita,
I don't quite understand
why you're... sharing this information with me.
Because nothing happens like you think it will.
I mean, you have a little dog, right?
And everybody saying how cute it is.
And then, whoa, an eagle takes it.
Man and eagle in the city.
Nature's coming. Whoa!
Whatever, Rita.
[gasps]
Ohh!
Table two.
You know, that actually looks pretty good.
You're a genius, Alice.
Let go.
[squeaking]
What's it like being you?
[Abi] Hey, Alice.
Can you give Danny's musical grandparents
some fancy toast or something on the house while they wait?
Danny's musical grandparents?
Uh-huh.
- Why? - P.R.
Don't mention P.R. in my kitchen.
Whoo. Al, your kitchen.
Anyway, it's not toast.
It's bruschetta. Don't call me Al.
- Ooh! - Ooh!
Jesus, Abi, as if I haven't got enough to do here.
[Abi] Come on. It's just four bits of toast.
- Well, three at this point. - Okay, okay.
If it'll shut you up.
You're an angel. He is coming. The Iceman Cometh.
Christ, it's hot in here.
Could you not pick, please? I'm running out of everything.
Can you get us some drinks in here?
Couple of Cokes?
Thanks.
Mineral water. Sparkling.
[Abi] Oh, come on, chef. Go crazy. Have a Coke.
I've never had a Coke in my life.
- Not even a sip? - No.
But drinking Coke is like getting your period.
It just happens.
Pepsi?
No.
Have you had McDonald's?
[scoffs]
But you smoke, right?
It's human nature to be inconsistent.
[Rita] You know,
if every year you smoke
takes five years off your life.
And I've been smoking for...
38 years.
That means I have lost one hundred and...
ninety years...
off my life.
That means I should have died in...
1815.
Which was...
134 years before...
I was born.
Which I didn't.
So why worry?
Take that. Go, go.
It's on the house.
[woman] Oh, that's very kind.
[man #1] Why you give people free toast?
Oh, um, we like to give it to people who are waiting.
But we are not waiting, are we?
Yes, you are, actually.
[woman] George, Danny is coming.
[man #1] Oh, oh, yeah.
I'm sorry. I'd forgotten, yes.
So why did you break up with him?
I left him. I didn't want to be around when he left me.
[rat squeaking]
[screams]
But-- but why-- why do you give free toast?
Well, it's bruschetta.
It's kind of complicated.
[laughing] Like rocket science.
That is such an easy cliché.
Cliché? No. It is metaphor.
[both screaming]
Actually, it's not a metaphor.
Rocket science is, literally, complicated.
Yet, as an expression, it has become a cliché.
[screaming]
- [screaming] - Get it!
Can I get anyone anything else?
- [man #1] No. We are fine. - Yeah.
Oh, that was so disgusting.
Like a fat octopus
pouring itself into a keyhole.
Abi, I think you and I really need to have a talk later.
"Abi, I think you and I really need--"
Abi, it's obvious that you have personal issues,
but I really don't think it's fair of you to take it out on--
I will not dignify this abuse with a reply.
- That was a reply, Jane. - What?
Your friend from school told me.
Told you what?
That she once knew you as Jane.
I'll not dignify this.
[speaking German]
Do you have any idea where my marzipan could be?
Abi, have you seen my marzipan?
You think I'm fat?
That depends.
On what?
You're the type of girl who's always too fat
because she always thinks she's too fat.
It's like your brain is fat.
I have a fat brain?
I thought you were doing yoga to calm down.
Oh, it does calm me down.
But contorting my body is not gonna get rid
of the wall-to-wall frustration that carpets my fucking mind.
Well, don't take it out on me.
Okay. Okay. God.
It's like a fucking morgue in here.
You're such a drama queen.
Did you just mutter at me?
You don't exactly encourage people to speak their minds.
Okay. Fine.
I'm listening. Talk. Talk to me.
What? What is it? What do you want to tell me?
Fuck!
Abi, you're not your best self tonight.
Is that breast milk I smell
on your gilded fucking lips?
How much have you drunk tonight?
Come on, guys.
We are really not functioning as a team here.
[Abi] Fat brain. Fat brain?
[Suzie] Yes, fat. Fat, fat, fat!
Okay, I need two rosé and three sparkling, please.
"...two rosé and three sparkling, please."
I got to go pee.
What is wrong with her tonight?
I think she's going through some kind of crisis.
She's always going through some kind of crisis.
Doesn't mean it's any less of a crisis, does it?
[pouring wine]
Do you have any idea where my marzipan could be?
Oh. Table 12.
And two lemon tarts for nine, please.
Abi.
Abi, are you okay?
I'm sorry. I was mean just then.
[sighs] That's okay.
Two sparkling on seven?
I'm pre-menstrual.
Are you taking evening primrose oil?
Yeah. I took some in some vodka
before I left home tonight.
Good.
Um...
[rattling]
Hi.
One minute of air.
Okay, one minute.
Old people are smug.
Musicians are always smug, too.
Old musicians. What a terrible smug combination.
Maybe they are fantasists.
Danny is probably in Los Angeles right now
having lunch with a starlet.
- Is that still a term? - What?
Starlet.
It's like, um... It's like "kitchenette."
It's such a great word.
Oh, to be a starlet with a kitchenette.
So why does this girl in your book run away?
I don't know.
You have to have a clear idea why things happen.
Otherwise, you are dealing in generalities,
and the narrative loses its punch.
But life has no plot.
And book is not life?
Books without plots are boring.
I mean, is Anna Karenina only the story
of a woman who threw herself under a train?
Or is Ulysses just about a day
in the life of a man in Dublin?
Okay. Point taken.
Is The Great Gatsby only about a rich man?
Okay, okay.
[humming]
You're okay?
I'm fine.
[knocking]
Coming.
Alice, I know you've been trying really hard.
I'm really so impressed
with how you've been coping so amazingly well.
We just had another complaint about the chicken.
Apparently, it was burnt and raw.
Oh, God, burnt and raw.
It's actually quite a difficult thing to do
if you think about it.
I had to have two knocked off their bill.
[Rita] Is something burning?
[coughs]
They're fine.
Burnt.
Chargrilled.
God!
Come on. Don't listen to her.
The chicken looked good.
I keep thinking about this cartoon I saw the other day.
It was two guys talking, and one says to the other,
"Do you dwell on the wasted years behind you
or the terrifying years ahead?"
What are they having again?
One bean starter.
One soup, two lamb, three chicken, one salmon.
Take... Take a little sip.
I'm tired.
I'll do plates and vegetables.
Get the chicken.
Okay. Okay, okay.
Okay.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
[Alice laughing]
Alice, are you okay?
[crying]
What's up, chef?
- [Alice laughing] - Abi.
What?
I think hysteria's a fairly reasonable reaction
to working in this shithole.
[crying]
What's happened?
[gasping] I'm sorry.
I'll be okay in a moment.
Did you burn yourself again?
What would you care if she burnt herself?
You care more about the rubbish.
I quite simply reject your anger, Rita.
[Abi] Yeah, stop trashing her, Rita.
[Rita laughing]
My ex-agent described my book
as a "saxophone solo of misery"
and said the publisher rejected it
because it was too French
and they didn't know how they could market it.
Too French.
I was born in fucking Crouch End.
Ça va, ça va.
Alice.
Have you got the miasma of disgust?
[squeals]
I am fond of the oboe, although I prefer the violin,
which I do play, as does Cecile.
And Gaiog--
Gaiog is a percussionist.
The triangle is so unexplored as an instrument,
don't you think?
[Cecile] Oh, you couldn't be more right.
But if I could have a word.
That other waitress
is just so rude.
I do apologize.
[man] Yes. Very rude.
She, um...
She actually has personal issues
to deal with at the moment.
Her mother is terminally ill,
so she's returning to Quebec tomorrow.
[Abi] There you go.
Thanks. And the bill, please.
This is actually her last shift.
I'll just go and check on your order in the kitchen, okay?
I'll get you an ashtray.
Do you think this fish looks okay?
Looks great.
You're sure?
Yeah.
Are the lights really low out front?
[Suzie] Pretty low.
Suzie. Goddamn it. She didn't even take the food.
Oh, please, don't cry. It will be okay.
I'm not gonna cry. I'm gonna commit murder.
Pick this food up now,
or I will bludgeon you all to death.
That's the spirit.
Excuse me. Could you please not do that?
We have to sweep it up,
and these floorboards are like a billion years old.
- [clatters] - [man] My dear young lady.
We are sorry about your mother,
but there's no need to take it out on us.
My mother?
In Quebec. A tragedy.
What?
Your colleague told us
about your mother in Quebec.
My mother is fine.
And I am not Canadian.
That was a direct sabotage
on any chance I might have with him.
I was trying to deal with those clients.
Quebec? My mother has a terminal illness?
And by the way, I cannot stand
the way you keep using the word "excellent" tonight.
What's wrong with the word "excellent"?
Please take these meals.
You have never said the word "excellent" before tonight.
- Admit it. - You are insane.
- [Suzie] Abi. Abi, Abi, Abi. - Has Miss Jane ever said the word "excellent"?
That does sound odd from your lips, I must agree.
Can I have two lemon tarts, please? Table six.
[Suzie] Abi. Abi, come quickly.
You don't need an acting job, Abi.
You never stop performing.
Oh, well, I'd better call Equity then
because life ain't paying me right.
Excellent.
Okay. Let's get the desserts out.
Okay.
You are a champion.
[man singing in Spanish over radio]
They left just as he arrived.
He looked kind of sad and thoughtful.
I kept buzzing you.
[music on radio continues]
What are you doing?
Abi.
[dinging]
[Abi] I just wanted to tell you all
it's my birthday today.
I'm...
25.
Get dressed.
I guess none of you know
that I trained as an actor for three years...
Alice, Rita. Alice, Rita, come out front now.
in New York.
I've had enough.
But those creative, giddy Lee Strasberg days
are but a distant memory.
Now I can't even afford my flight home.
Please get dressed.
I have a huge debt.
Get dressed.
I've just had my electricity disconnected.
Please.
My Visa bill is at 17.9% interest.
I have been a waitress for about 10 years now,
and the only job
that I have been offered recently is in porn.
[whistling]
[woman giggles]
So what I really wanted to ask you all
is if anyone has any tips on how I might change my life,
I would really appreciate hearing them.
Perhaps you didn't hear me.
But as one miserably failed human being
to a bunch of probably enormously successful ones--
which you must be if you can afford to eat
in this overpriced, rat-infested shithole--
I'm merely asking what the fuck am I meant to do
with my life.
Just keep walking.
I am so sorry.
Nothing like this has ever happened before.
Just gather up your things.
- I'm so sorry. Um... - Good night.
Thank you very much.
I'm sorry.
[man] I've never seen anything like it in my life.
[woman] Do you wanna go somewhere else?
Major muff.
I have no fucking power.
Oh, you do. You're like Carrie.
You know what you should do tomorrow?
What?
You should go to the museum
and look at really old things.
It'll put everything in perspective.
What, so that I can fully realize
how totally insignificant I am in the grand scheme of things?
Exactly.
You're such a fucking victim, Abi.
Alice.
Here's your bonus. Thanks again.
All things considered, you were great.
You'll all be pleased to know
that thanks to Abi's performance tonight,
we've made about £10 in tips in total.
You're so anguished and artistic,
but all you're really good at is complaining.
Wow. You think I'm good at something.
Do you know, Abi, you've never been anything but rude to me?
Have you ever asked me about the dreams and hopes of my life journey?
Hmm? Do you even know my girlfriend's name
or whether she still is my girlf--
Do I have sisters? Was I beaten as a child?
I am 23 today.
No. You are fired!
I'm sorry to interrupt.
Ladies.
I had some friends here earlier.
One of them lost a libretto.
I don't suppose you've seen it.
Anyone seen a libretto?
No. Sorry.
No?
What a shame.
What the hell is going on here?
[music plays]
Al Bowlly.
You know Al Bowlly?
Oh, yes, of course.
Wrote hits, died in the Blitz.
# Whether to 30 you've grown #
Whether to 40 a husband and wife.
# Whether you're 50 #
Whether to 50 a Darby and Joan.
There's one thing certain...
that you have to own.
# Love is #
# The sweetest thing #
# What else on Earth could ever bring #
# Such happiness #
# To everything #
# As love's old story #
# Love is #
# The strangest thing #
# No song of birds upon the wing #
# Shall in our hearts more sweetly sing #
# Than love's old story #
# Whatever hearts may desire #
# Whatever fate may send #
# This is a tale that never will tire #
# This is a song without end #
# Love is #
# The greatest thing #
# The oldest #
# Yet the latest thing #
# My only hope that fate may bring #
# Love's story to you #
[music continues]
Yes, and you, my dear.
And you.
They're fresh.
[crying]
Ma, you okay?
I'm fine.
I...
I really hate this...
bloody job.
Let's go.
So you're really going to Chile?
Correct.
And this doesn't terrify you?
Of course it does.
It fills me with fear and dread.
So...
remind me why it's worth it again.
Because fear and dread
mingled with an overwhelming memory
of intense sexual compatibility
is more appealing to me now in this moment of time
than the crushing predictability
of everyday life.
Okay.
Sounds like a plan.
No, I really think maybe we should go somewhere
and have a beautiful drink like a bellini.
Or... I don't know.
Why are you saying all the time, "I don't know"?
You know, I don't know.
They serve bellinis at the Cafe de Paris.
The Cafe de Paris it is, then.
I can tidy up tomorrow.
Alice, Rita, you coming?
- You're paying? - No.
Oops.
Maybe we should all go dancing.
[Alice] What's a bellini?
Champagne and peach juice.
Oh.
Named after a painter in Venice.
He painted beautiful clouds.
All kind of colors.
Yellow, red, purple, rose.
So beautiful.
Is everyone invited?
If they keep their clothes on.
So, Madonna, you got any sisters?
I do, actually.
Two.
Closed-captions by CAPTION FILES www.captionfiles.com